December 12th
I have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes when the wind is warm and the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down, and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve had my happiness.
Letting go is emotionally taxing. Sorting through piles, figuring out the parts that are me, the parts that are you, and how to pry them apart without losing most of what is me. I don’t remember what it was like without you.
I used to be scared of losing people, like I was scared of dying. When you stop fighting it, and start to accept that it’s all inevitable, you’ll be a lot happier, breathe a lot easier, and be a whole hell of a lot more appreciative of the new people and opportunities you get.
Life is a lot like falling down a flight of stairs, only some time ago I became the stairs.
Eventually I get tired of everything. I don’t know if right or left is favorable, I always feel uneven with too much of anything. Too much loneliness, too much togetherness, too much commitment, too much love, too much falling apart, too much smiling, too much crying, too much fighting, too much fucking. I hate living life as a yo-yo, and being healthy all of the time makes me sick. I mean, I want to sleep, and I can’t think of anything I’d love more than to have the option to take a big handful of Ambien, and just sleep right through tomorrow. This is not about being sad, or wanting to die, or any of that shit. For my entire life the only thing I’ve ever had to prove to anyone was that I could stand six days without making myself puke. I did it flawlessly, because no matter what I’ve said before I can do whatever I want if theres something to gain, and lately my fingers have spent more time in my pussy than in my throat, and I am proud of that. I don’t feel much of anything today, or yesterday, or the past week really. I miss someone I’m not allowed to talk about, and it hurts to be the girl I was then, but no one understands how tiring it is always being someone new.
If someone loves you, give love back to them in whatever way you can, not only because they love you but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to everything.
November 29th
Maybe the way we feel isn’t supposed to be logical, to be rational. Maybe it’s okay to be unsure and scared. Maybe we lose so we learn to let go, and maybe we leave in order to grow, to blossom in to who we’re meant to be. Maybe some things aren’t supposed to make sense. Maybe you have to take risks to get what you deserve. Maybe we shouldn’t underestimate our potential. Maybe we shouldn’t set limitations or boundaries. Maybe life is divine chaos. Maybe it’s okay to love ourselves. Maybe we don’t need everything we want. Maybe we shouldn’t fear the unknown, but embrace it, learn from it. Maybe someone can exceed your expectations. Maybe we can control our destinies after all. Maybe we have to fight for what we believe in. Maybe, just maybe, we should stop second guessing ourselves and just jump in.
November 28th
Wisdom - It’s what every soul has, but doesn’t realize it. It may be selfish to say I don’t like that, but it doesn’t it prove that my statement is true if I’ve chosen to write it? In a way, wisdom helps us understand why some things are the way they are. For some, it brightens up everything they do, and many times it leads someone to sheer success. People don’t often think about the things that aren’t considered and that always leaves a black hole, until there is one willing to go outside of the box to fill it in. It could be something as beautiful as continuously doing what someone says, while others disobey.
Encouragement.
As much as I want to stop going sometimes, I have to keep pushing. And if the weight doesn’t wear off, then at least I know that time is on my side. It will be on my side forever. I’ve blamed myself for what others have done to me, continuously thinking it was my doing but if I keep pinning blame on myself, then people will always have a reason to tear me apart and see me fall. They will do anything just to see my strength give in because they know who I am as a person. And I see that now. Even if that’s not the reason, then I have the self confidence to reassure myself that my beliefs, values, and habits are mine and mine only and that is the will power God has given me, and the founding fathers handed to me 200 years before I was born. If someone doesn’t accept me for things that only define a tiny part of my character, then they are underestimating my ability to stick up for myself and say that “it’s my choice”, and “I don’t do any harm to myself nor to others.” I am me, and me only and no one can take that away. Not the devil, nor a teacher, or a friend can have the ability to mark a fact on me and convince that I am something I’m not. I will love me for me, and I will be my own bestfriend. I will do everything I have been doing for others, for myself. I will give myself advice, I will treat my wounds, I will pray for myself, I will do my own work and figure things out, I will form my the good habits in my life, I will be an independent person, and an independent mind, I will not take things as an insult but as a compliment, I will not rely on anyone, I will be a survivor, I will love even if I’ve been struck, I will be strong. And no matter what I do, I won’t lay down and give up. I will keep pushing on. I will try my hardest to see the glass half full, and see the positive things that make me as an individual a huge bonus to society. I will form the correct choices, and feel better in the end. But above all, I won’t expect myself to be perfect. Comparing myself to those of others will be shut out. I can make mistakes, will make mistakes, and have the ability to go back and fix them.
Hate.
I don’t like to use the word hate lightly.
I think hate is immature and a waste of energy.
But I find no other word to express what I think of you.
I fucking hate you and I literally can not stand to be in the same room as you.
You make my insides hurt by just existing.
I wish nothing but bad things for you, because you deserve nothing.
I fucking hate you.
The greatest relationships.
The greatest relationships are the ones you never expected to be in. The ones that swept you off your feet and challenged your ever view. The ones where you found yourself to be a better person because of who you were when he was around. The ones that made you wake up with a smile on your face no matter how corny it was. The ones that made everything right when it was wrong. the ones that caused you physical pain to leave because leaving meant losing a part of yourself.
The greatest relationships are the ones you’ll always remember not because of their length, but because of who you were with. The ones where the memories make you want to laugh when you’re crying. The ones that make you believe that god exists, because no one else could have created someone so amazing. The ones that cause you to change for the better, even if you don’t realize it. the ones where you know you’re being honest with yourself, so much it hurts.
The greatest relationships are the ones where he called you lame and you just rolled your eyes because you knew he was kidding. The ones where you were comfortable around him because you knew he’d love you no matter what. The ones where love seemed to be the only answer. The ones that made you compromise because it was something you knew you wanted to last. The ones where you accepted what he did because you just wanted to see him happy.
The greatest relationships are the ones that changed your life. The ones that made you rethink your future because you knew it’d be better with him. The ones where you felt like your forever had finally appeared. The ones that made you question the ending. The ones that told you to push through the problems because eventually it would be better again. The ones where you broke your heart and his for his good, even when you couldn’t explain without breaking a rule.
The greatest relationships are the ones where you care more about his happiness then you do about your own. The ones where you do what you do for his future, even if it means wrecking your present. The ones where you tell yourself to walk in the opposite direction, because you know there are just some things you can’t do. The ones when you cry not because it’s over, but because you know you lost not only him, but your best friend too.
The greatest relationships are the ones where you’ll thank him for being a part of your life, no matter how short. The ones where you’ll never forget him because he helped shape your view on love. The ones where you’ll always be there for him, whether or not he’ll accept that. The ones where he put up with your crap when he didn’t have to. The ones where your last tribute to him was doing something he never thought you’d do - and loving it.
The greatest relationships are the ones where you’ll always love him, even when he’s forgotten all about you. The ones where you’re changed forever because of him. The ones that you will always smile about because while they were flawed, they were still amazing. The ones where you fought what you knew was going to happen because you couldn’t quite come to terms with losing him. the ones that remind you love lost is better than never having loved at all.
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
